7 March 2025: A warm sunny day here in Malda, West Bengal, India and I am not disclosing my PIN code. I don’t live in the main Malda town because cities suck and the pollution over there stinks which is not my cup of water. 6th day of Ramadan was today and guess what I am skipping Ramadan after 3rd March. So no wonder I am ashamed of myself, God please forgive me.
6:28 P.M.– Enough! Enough of this! It’s literally enough! Enough (MJ just tell the story, you sicko)! So I am in a position of life where I just wanted to fix everything. The last 3 years were one of the hardest 3 years of my life. From starting a new bright career on YouTube to earning my first hard earned money at the age of 19 to letting go a high profile website’s content writing job opportunity to starting my own websites to burning out to mental broke down to losing my father when I needed him the most, everything happened in the span of last 3 years. And don’t be surprised when I say we are just scratching the surface because there is a deep wale filled with the pain right inside my heart (I don’t know who feels the pain, Brain or Heart. I think it is the brain but the sake of poetic justice I am choosing the heart, so no more BS, please). Although you are not allowed to see it because privacy matters dammit. For me, life was and is always hard but it was the peace of mind and a hope that pushed me through the hardships and never made me realize the pain (Or I was a kid at that time so who cared about life to feel the pain). But now at this time of my life, the smile is sort of broken and you can see the pain right through my eyes. But my question is who has time to see through my eyes, if you are interested then please contact me.
(MJ just tell the story, you dumbass) So I just want my peace of mind back. Please God, Please Allah, I am begging you. Although I am grateful to Allah because Almighty you have taught me some valuable lessons in these 3 years that are going to haunt and help me till the last millisecond I breathe my last breath. In my life neither I was running behind the bloody money nor I had any specific greed for any materialistic approach. Wait! wait a minute! That was my mindset until I started my YouTube channel. Failure after failure after failure after failure……….. but I didn’t lose my hope, a hope to help my father to provide our family a better life and at the same time, YouTube felt like the one, the chosen one, the savior, who can intact the peace of my mind for forever. But Man oh Man-Woman-Boy-Girl-Uncle-Aunty-Grandma-Grandpa I was 100000000000000000% wrong (Don’t tell me why placed woman after man, it is how I have written since my childhood, I hate these kinds of discussions).
Hard work after hard work after hardwork (I am confused about how I am supposed to write hard work: ‘hard work’ or ‘hardwork’), finally I was able to monetize my YouTube channel and was making 10000/Rs- INR per month at that time which is 115.06 dollars in USD. Not a big amount for you but it was and still is a decent amount of money to live here in India (India is Bharat, Bharat is India, So don’t trigger your insecurities. Dammit Google the incident and let me continue the story). So I was making 10000/Rs- per month and I was giving 6-7 hours of precious time of my life in the video making process for YouTube while still attending tuitions for my college traveling 60KM up + 60KM down each day for 2-3 days per week (Dumbass I am not bragging anything, it was really tough especially when you consider the powerful combination of Indian roads and Indian buses). As a result, it became a reason for my burnout and my peace of mind was lost somewhere in the Milky Way Galaxy. But on the flip side, I was making 10K INR per month. I was struggling, really struggling to make daily well researched videos but my mind was pushing for the bloody money (Not bloody, it was hard earned money but with each passing day I was craving for more).
The money each month in my bank account provided me some comfort, a comfort and a hope, a hope to provide for my family while still working from home. But soon I forgot about the peace of mind and wallah all of a sudden I was wondering about success, non-materialistic kid’s mind turned into a golden one and the rush for gold reached to a height where gravity was almost zero. Then I burned out and slipped from the clip and the fall was slow and painful similar to the death.
Now that I have lost someone very special, I have understood the true meaning of life and I’m in the process of redeeming my old being back. My name is MD Jayedur Rahaman and recently I lost my father and right now I’m still searching for my peace of mind. But don’t you worry because there’s still a hope.
So bye for now, let me breathe some air, collect my words and help me to being me. Bye and phone insiders always remember there’s also a existence of life outside the smartphone world, a reminder for you.
